The Western Wall (Jerusalem)

May 22nd, 2008

We just visited the Western Wall. When I put my hands on it, I felt a pulsating energy flowing from it. I don't know if it was my hands or the wall, but either way I felt it was a sign from God. I know that sounds crazy because I'm not that religious and because that's what Birthright wants you to believe or experience, but I can't deny it. Jerusalem speaks to me.
To stand before a wall that means nothing to me and holds no significance in my life alongside crying women who are experiencing a life-long dream was at first a very alienating experience. I realized, though, that I couldn't allow my preconceived notions and expectations to guide me, so I gave in and stepped to the wall. I put my wish on the eastern side of the wall because a) I didn't know any better and b) I didn't feel worthy of putting it on the actual wall (which I hate). My wish went something like this:
I wish for smiles free of resilience. For truth free of conditions. For happiness that is a response to the world rather than despite it.
Being here has definitely made me realize that I've been too hasty in my judgements and decisions my entire life. I'm a little wierded out being here because the ultra-Jewishness freaks me out, but that in itself is exactly why I'm here- to try to understand & counter that feeling. But then again, I was originally intending Birthright to be my free ticket to the land so I could do Birthright Unplugged. That in itself indicates my closed-mindedness. Seeing how passionate the other New York girls on the trip are about Judaism makes me realize how big a piece of my life Judaism has been. But this does not feel like my homeland. Kehilla (my synagogue) is a special place where you are in the minority if your family has two white, straight, Jewish parents. Kehilla, Berkeley, California, is where I and my version of Judaism is appreciated. There is less space for me here than at home. I might want Jerusalem, might hear its seductive song, but it does not want or need me, despite what people tell me.