My Mind Interrupts My Soul

May 22nd, 2008

We were in the Old City in Jerusalem today and had an hour and a half of free time in the Jewish quarter. Erica, Danielle, and I wandered into the Christian quarter, and I instantly felt more at home. All the people were Arab, it was more bustling, more comfortable, more familiar, more welcoming. The second thing I focused in on when I got there was the kefiyahs (Palestinian/Arab scarves) they were selling. I've wanted a kefiyah for SO long- I was so happy. At dinner a girl mentioned to me that we weren't allowed to be in any quarter other than the Jewish one unless accompanied by an armed security guard. It's so bizarre and so interesting. The Jewish quarter has totally monopolized the money of the young Jewish American birthright kids.

When I climbed out of the cave after the archaeological dig, I heard Todd ask a security guard if they teach you any Arabic in the Israeli army, and he responded, "just the basics: lift up your shirt, get in line, drop your pants, shut the fuck up...." Soldiers are everywhere and so completely commonplace that I'm surprised how much it threw me off to hear him say that in such an offhanded way.

At times I feel like I'm psychologically creating and developing a connection which isn't authentic and which doesn't exist. But then I wonder if I think too much. I know it's crucial to never stop questioning, but is there a certain point where my mind interrupts my soul? I need to allow myself to connect. I need to be able to feel good about being here. I can't keep getting in my own way. Justifications and devil's advocacies keep me from running with the ball. Instead, I twirl the ball in my lap, contemplating the various bouncing potentials it holds.